Years ago a wise preschool director cautioned parents about what not to tell their children about starting school. Her advice still rings true today. She suggested not saying: "You're going to have fun at school."

Your child will have fun at school, but maybe not right away. For a young child, the first days of school usually take a great deal of effort and energy. There's much to take in and even more to get used to. When everything's still so new and unfamiliar, your child might look around -- maybe see a few other kids crying -- and wonder, "Mom thinks this is fun?!" (There goes your credibility rating!)

Still, you want your child to start school with a positive outlook. You can. Instead of emphasizing fun, focus on some of the interesting things there'll be to do. Of course, it's a good idea to find out what's really in the works so you don't disappoint your child or put an unsuspecting teacher on the spot.

"You can't do that at school!" The truth is they probably will. Most teachers won't be angry or even mildly surprised if your child sucks his thumb, carries a ragged security blanket, refuses to share -- or does any number of things parents almost universally wish their kids wouldn't do in public.

Teachers expect such behavior. What's even better, they understand it and can be a resource for you.

As one teacher said, "It's hard for a child to enjoy school if he's worried about making his teacher angry." Your teacher won't think less of your child for acting like a child. So, if there's something you're working on at home (and what parent isn't?), share your concern with the teacher -- not with your child.

"Remember, paint a picture for me today." If you've ever spent the day wondering how things were going at school, you know how reassuring a blob of green paint on a crumpled sheet of paper can be. It's solid proof: for at least a few moments your child was busy and involved. But painting the promised picture isn't always as easy as it sounds.

Some children are more comfortable watching others paint, and don't want to try it themselves until later in the year. Some just get absorbed in playing. Every preschool teacher has had children fall apart during clean-up time because they've forgotten to paint someone a picture. Instead of "Paint a picture for me, " try something more general like, "There sure is a lot to choose from at your school!"

"I'll miss you so much." Sometimes these words, so lovingly meant, only cause a child to stop in his tracks and think, "Wow, she's pretty broken up about my going to school. Maybe it's not such a hot idea after all!" It's hard for anyone (much less a child) to plunge into a new experience if he's worried that his leaving will make someone else feel sad.

It's understandable to have mixed feelings when your children start school. Childhood goes so fast. Share your sadness with other adults; they'll sympathize with it. Share your confidence with your children; they'll grow from it.

Instead of "I'll miss you so much," try a smile and "Bye! I love you! See you later!"

P.S. We hope you'll think of the suggestions in this and other articles as support -- not a rules on how to do things perfectly. If school has already started and you've sent your child off by saying, "You'll have fun at school, but I'll miss you so much! Don't make your teacher angry and be sure to paint a nice picture for me," don't despair! Your child will be getting a pretty important message anyway: "I care about you!" (And that's what matters most.)